Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
