my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
