Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
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