It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
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