i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
