The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
