my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
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