I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
someone get that fucking seahorse.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
