Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
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