And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Randomize
