whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Randomize
