Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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