You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
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