One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
