His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
