i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
