You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
