I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
