Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize