My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
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