Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
