Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
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