I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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