I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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