she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
