I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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