Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
