i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Randomize
