you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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