Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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