Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
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