Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
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