Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize