i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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