I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
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