i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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