I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
