the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize