i don't like sucking hair
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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