How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Randomize
