That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
