We won't sleep together?
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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