You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
