dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
