so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
