Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
