I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
