Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
