Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
Randomize
