i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
