everyone is single if you try hard enough
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
