Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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