I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
