I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
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