i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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