turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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