So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
