I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I still have a little drunk in my system
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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