i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
